Bear Lake Boy

What to blog about this boy...

Hm.

We met at bear lake. We talked all night under a star speckled sky and knew instantly we would be  great friends..

Well.

He knew instantly.

I thought he was kind of shallow and a total bro.

He was all about the full court press.

I eventually caved to his adorable persistence..

I'm SO glad I did.

I didn't give him near enough credit upon first impression..

He changed me and made me better, so grateful for the experiences we shared together.

But.

In the end, he just wasn't 'my one'

Crepe Boy

January something? 2012

Miracle happened. That ''friend'' I shamelessly stalked--asked me out the other day in the library. Could. not. believe.it. I was seriously shocked.
and THRILLED.
We went out for sushi and went to a kareoke thing after that.. (I hate sushi, butttt I was not about to miss this date for the world so...)
He was dreamy. I'm really excited to get to know him, he just seems like the kind of person I want to be around..I can't even think of any good reason of why I feel so drawn to him.
Just am.
There were little quirky moments of course, and it felt first-datey-ish at times...but he's cute and I like how he makes me feel a  little nervous. Maaaaybe I shouldn't have admitted to stalking him though :/

February 7th 

Went to a Climb Works meeting to learn about what they do all summer.
Desperately want to go with but wonder if it will be too forward....? I mean he doesn't seem that interested, and I am rapidly approaching legit stalker status.

March 7th 

Applied. Interviewed.
Waiting to hear back about working in Tennessee with these guys all summer.
Unfortunately me and crepe boy have ceased almost all communication. But seriously...this job sounds so awesome that I wanna go regardless of how awkward it could potentially be for a bit.

June 19th

Got the job. Drove across the country. Been living out here in Tennessee about 3 weeks now. When I was pulling into the apartment complex on May 30th I had a minute panic attack at the gate. Did I seriously follow adorable crepe kid across the country? What the eff was I doing here? I am acting living like a total crazy person. Is he totally freaked out by me? Can I play it cool enough to make it seem like I ONLY came out because the job is so awesome? I think I can. I mean I did come out for the job ...didn't I?

The first week or so I legitimately did not could not look crepe boy in the eye because I was SO intent on not coming off as a pathetic stage 5 clinger. So yeah, you could say I was super mature about it. As all of the employees started settling in and getting to know each other...the truth came out about crepe boy. In a late night pillow talk with the girls, I realized he couldn't actually care less whether or not I was a stalker, his girlfriend (who I currently share an apartment with) would be keeping him prettttty occupied this summer.

You know that awkward moment when you think a situation is allll about you and then it turns out the l.o.y.l. already has a girlfriend who's wonderful in every way? ..whoops. Wish I woulda known that 2,000 miles ago. 

June 22nd


Apparently I'm not the only one who stalks Crepe Boy. Turns out, EVERY girl he has ever associated with ever, at all, is completely in love with him. He has this super power, and women everywhere just come unglued around him. Its crazy. Every female employee at our job is currently pining over him. It's super hilarious and has really helped bring us all together--we've bonded over our mutual pathetic-ness. There's only one girl who seems immune to his superhuman magnetism: the one he's in love with. His super powers don't seem to have such a powerful effect on her--she's getting ready to serve a mission this fall. GAH. The irony. 

All stalker jokes aside, my gut instinct about this guy was that he is something really special. Enough that I stepped wayy out of my comfort zone to come out here and try to spend some more time with him, and not only him but all the kids out here in Tennessee. These are great people. I wanted to know them better. I wanted to share some memories, to learn from them, and grow a bit this summer as a person.

That's not so crazy right?

This guy was exactly what I picture my Dad was like when he was 20 something.

10/28/2011
Went on the funnest date tonight.
The kid was a total dream.
My abs (lack thereof?) are kinda sore from laughing all night. Like, really laughing.
What's awkward is, I have been objectifying his roommate (in jest) with my friends, from a safe distance, for about a month or two now.  And it was weird having him (the friend) there on the group date. Only because some random, well-meaning, completely third-party kid spilled the beans and told him (the friend) about my hopeless, embarrassing, completely unfounded obsession with him before going on said date.
Yikes.
Anyway! Back to my date, never saw him coming--but he really is awesome. He seems a little soft spoken and reserved, but totally confident, and I find that intriguing. He's really handsome, way polite, obviously a really ''good'' guy-but down to earth, really funny...

I can't say too much too soon--but I'm just really curious and really interested.

10/30/2011
Went over to their house tonight to watch a movie after church. I am seriously so impressed with this whole house of boys. They are so good. And SO hilarious. It's been a long time since I've felt so impressed with someone(s). I feel kind of self conscious all the sudden--like the new dorky kid at school who is SO hoping that the cool kids will wanna be friends with me. Awkward.

11/2/2011
Date #2 ensued this evening.
We went rock climbing together at the Rock House. Haus. ..? I felt weird and nervous like I haven't felt on a date in a long time. We didn't have a ton of time to talk, since one of us was always trying to climb up a wall or something, but we had polite, second-date, small talk, a bit of witty banter here and there, things seemed to be going pretty good.. I felt frustrated at the end of the night about how little I had learned about him though. I was hoping to connect a bit more and the whole thing felt kind of stiff and just, too polite.

11/4/2011
Shoot. I confess. Shamelessly fb-stalked dream guy tonight. Learned two things. A. He seems awesome. and B. Turns out he has the world's most adorable ex-girlfriend who is currently serving a mission and spends her days being irresistably perfect and charming.
So....shoot. Guilt complex.

11/09/2011:
Still kind of talking/hanging out with dream boy every once in a while. He really does remind me of my dad. He seems so great on paper--seems exactly my type, but I don't feel like we're really clicking when we're together. :( frustrated.

11/12/2011
...Soo, we went out again tonight.
I was SO nervous before he came over. It's seriously not like me--like straight up pacing almost. Way embarrassing. He took me to the Brazilian place where Landon and Liv had their wedding luncheon. I seriously almost choked on an ice cube when the waitress told us how much dinner was. Yikes. He was a total gentleman about it but I'm prettty positive he had no idea it was gonna be so steep. Ha. Anyway, I felt super guilty. (Note: Guys, just fyi, all I really want is a kids meal from Chili's--no need to impress here)  I felt like we finally took some baby steps getting to be real friends on this date. I'm usually so good at connecting with people and getting them to open up--but I'm way too intimidated by him, I act like a child. I can't help myself. I have no idea why he keeps asking me out when I keep acting like such an idiot.

Anyway, after dinner we went to a comedy show and after that we went back to his house to watch a movie. Dun. dun. dun.

It is SO unlike me to try and make any kind of moves during a movie. Or actually ever.
I never like to force anything--when it happens, it happens naturally. BUT, not with this kid. I felt like I just had to be a little more obvious so that he would know how interested I am in him. But oh my gosh guys..it was so awful--a semi-awkward arm tickle/cuddle thing happened...I don't even know what it was. Haha I felt like that guy on Just Friends, who doesn't know whether to hug or kiss his date and ends up just picking her up and doing this bizzare full body shake. Hahaha Eckk. I feel embarrassed just thinking back about it. I needed him to know I was into him..but was wayy too scared to do anything drastic.
Haha, I'm pathetic. It's fine.

11/13/2011
He invited me over to play games tonight. So I went over to play games. No one else showed up to play games. Awkward. Buttt we pushed forward anyway and played phase 10. Oh man.

I'm beginning to believe that this isn't an 'awkward stage' but just the way we will interact with one another forever. I honestly don't feel like I can just be myself around him. I feel like I'm constantly being measured up and I get nervous. I feel like we're both interested in each other--but we have no friendship, or any kind of realtionship, to go off of. I want to spend time with him. I'm really interested in him. I wish we had more opportunities to just be together and hang out..it feels like a lot of pressure to either be a couple and date or be nothing at all. Where's the happy medium there?

 Hate that.

Dear _ _ _ _ _ _

You are laughably immature. Get over yourself.

Love, Chris

To No One in Particular...

Recently I've been reflecting on my past relationships... You should know, ours is the only one I ever really count. You are still the only one I've ever given any significant piece of my heart to. When people ask me to think back to my happiest moments, I still think of some of our moments.

 Today I am sure we are exactly where we need to be. I don't know if you'd believe me if I told you, but I really am glad things turned out how they have. I am so happy you found your intended. I think you two are perfect for each other. I even think she's perfect for you in ways I never was. I'm sure you'd question my sincerity if I ever actually summoned up the courage to say it to you, but truly, I feel 'happy you're happy.' That's all I'll ever want for you.

I'm content with the lives we're living and the choices we made. But I miss the way things were somedays. I'm still so grateful for those experiences.


Thank you for all the times you cheered me on from the sidelines. You made me feel like I could do anything. Thanks for overlooking my stubbornness. You made me feel like I was worth the wait. Thank you for making my heart race. Thanks for buying me flowers, for making long trips to see me, and making a special effort to surprise me. I felt like I was living out a fairytale. Thank you for all the times you tickled my back and played with my hair on the drive home. I've never felt more adored and cared for, or more perfectly content. Thanks for noticing and appreciating so many of the little things. Thanks for the talk in your backyard after that fight with my dad. Thanks for letting me hide behind you after I fell on my face getting on that ride (in front of alll those people.) Thanks for refusing to let go of me on the tube at the lake. I always felt so confident with you by my side. Thanks for taking my hand and calming me down when I almost lost it in that haunted house. For holding me after Chandler died. Thank you for making me a part of your family. I will always love them, I wonder if they know that. Thank you for helping me make that sign for the parade. Thank you for always, always trying to do what was best for me. Thanks for that time I had cramps and you got me a cup of ice at the theater. You were always so concerned for my well-being--so desperate to put me at ease and make me comfortable. Thanks for taking me to all those concerts. Thanks for all the times you wrestled with me. Thanks for the food fights and the impromptu water fights. Thank you for the way you made me laugh. The joy you brought into my life is immeasurable. Thanks for taking the risks and making the leaps of faith when I hesitated. It meant more than I can say. Thanks for being an endless source of encouragement and support. Thanks for inspiring me and motivating me. Thanks for coming to me for advice.

To this day, I'm so grateful for the way you loved and respected me. I'm so grateful for the way you still loved, cared for, and protected me even after everything fell apart. You are one of the most wonderful men I have ever known. Is it still okay to admit how much these experiences meant to me? You are not the love of my life, but you taught me what to look for and never to settle. Can you understand how grateful I am for you? I hope someday you will. On days like today, I don't feel bitter. I don't feel remorseful. If I could go back and re-live my past I wouldn't change a thing. On days like today, I'm just grateful for the life I've lived...and even more excited for the life ahead of me.

And I guess I have you to thank for that..go figure.

This muchacho es mi amigo. I like him. We're friends.

We met at a bowling alley one time about a year and a half ago.

I really love being his friend. He's so fun and I know I can always count on him for anything. He's a stud. I feel lucky to have him in my life.

.

.

On a totally unrelated note, I planted an onion seed about 8 months ago. I don't know what I was thinking, because I don't even like onions at all. But, anyway, I grew an onion, and now I don't know what to do with it. It feels like a waste to throw it away because it took so long to grow. So I've just been saving it for a lonng time. I thought maybe if I found the right recipe it could still be good, but it's been a while and I can't find anything to do with it and its starting to go bad.

.

.

He loves onions. He says he'd rather have an onion than anything else. He could eat onions every day for the rest of his life. And if he couldn't have onions, he would just look all over the place for the closest thing to onions he could find. He convinced me to try them and I've learned to like onions a lot more than I did before, but there's still no way you could convince me to sit around and eat onions for the rest of my life. Ya know?

.

.

So yeah, I guess all I'm trying to say is that we feel really differently about onions, he and I.

The end.

Dear Blogword,

Tonight my heart hurts.

Here's a beautiful song about that sort of thing...or somethin.

Pond Scum...Lower than Pond Scum.

The other night my "friend zone" friend came over to tell me he'd finally had enough and was peace'n out. (Which is good, because I'm awful and selfish..) But before he left he wanted me to listen to this cheesy country song by Rascal Flatts.
I think he wanted to torture my heart a little bit for what I did to his.

This is way too sappy for blogworld but...there's like 4 girls who read this? So whatever.

Baby look here at me, have you ever seen me this way?
I've been fumbling for words through the tears and the hurt and the pain.
I'm gonna lay it all out on the line tonight,
I think that it's time to tell this uphill fight goodbye.

Have you ever had to love someone that just don't feel the same?
Trying to make somebody care for you the way I do, is like trying to catch the rain.
If love is really forever, I'm a winner at a losing game.

I know that baby you've tried to find me somewhere inside of you,
But you know you can't lie--girl you can't hide the truth.
Sometimes two hearts just can't dance to the same beat,
so I'll pack up my things and take what remains of me.
I know I'll never be, the man that you need, or love..
Its killing me to stand here and see I'm not what you've been dreaming of.

Have you ever had to love someone who just doesn't feel the same?
Tryin' to make somebody care for you the way I do, is like trying to catch the rain.
If love is really forever, I'm a winner at a losing game.

...............Yeahhh, no really, that happened. After he played it we both just kind of awkwardly sat there. I didnt know if he was waiting for an apology or what? Ahhh....anyway, This is my life.

Seee Ya.

Dear Six,

Today I burned all your letters.
It felt like moving on for good. :) Thanks for back then.

Yours no longer,

Me