Adjusting to Motherhood

Lance arrived and made us a family a little over 7 weeks ago! He is the absolute best. Maybe someday I will write up a post about his birthday--truly one of the best days I've ever lived. But for now, I wanna try and tackle the question that's been asked me more than any other this past month and half: 

"How are you adjusting to motherhood?"  


It comes in various forms,  "Are you surviving? Hanging in there? You sleeping at all? etc" but they're all getting at the same thing, and I've found it's actually pretty tricky to try and put the last month and a half into words. I guess proper etiquette is just to laugh and nod knowingly--but for anyone who cares to really know, what I really think and feel about becoming a mom...here it is:

• First off, I am equal parts amazed and weirded out by what my body can do. From the whole pregnancy, to the labor & delivery, to breastfeeding...I've lived 28 years in this body and all that time had no idea what it was capable of! It's nuts. And sometimes gross. And sometimes just  awe inspiring. It's a testament to me of an all-knowing, all-powerful Creator. A little perfect human grew inside me and now lives and breathes and owns my heart. My body instinctively produces what he needs. After the 9 months of stretching and changing to accommodate this little dude and then the trauma of delivery--my body felt so foreign to me. But it knows how to repair itself! It's been incredible to witness. (And a little exhausting.)

• The sleep deprivation is no joke. Its really been taking my emotions for a ride. Or possibly its the fluctuating hormones? Either way, I cry almost everyday now--but also have moments of pure joy and elation unlike anything I've ever experienced. Like an awesome, terrible rollercoaster. 

• Getting to know this sweet little spirit is so FUN. There's a new development or discovery every day. I was freaking out to Creed the first time he really locked eyes with me, I was seriously on cloud nine. And then he smiled! Then a real smile!! Then he GIGGLED!!! Every little new noise he makes is literally the cutest thing I've ever heard. Even burping and farting is weirdly cute sometimes--its a spell babies put you under I guess. The point is every day there's something, he's growing and changing so fast I feel like I can't look away or even blink cause I don't wanna miss anything! I've heard parents say that before--totalllyyy get it now.

• Creed as a dad is ALL THE HEART EYES. It's a whole new level of love that's sweeter than I can describe. So, I guess I won't. There are moments that are hard learning to parent together--and I know we are just at the beginning end of those--but there is no one in the world I'd rather be doing this with. Creed is everything good and sweet, and Lance is so lucky.

• The change of pace has been a little jarring for me. Life has slowed wayyyy down and I'm super less "productive" but, I'm trying to be okay with that and just appreciate this season for what it is. Also, I watched 5 seasons of The Office in 2 months. So, yikes. I'm not sure what's gonna happen when my maternity leave is up. I miss seminary, but don't know how I could ever leave this little butterball now....? 

• With all this extra time to think and a million new things to worry about I sometimes get a little anxious. I've been reading through a book of our friends' parenting advice that Creed made me for my first mother's day--As I think about raising this guy and trying to get it right, it's a little daunting! This is from one of my favorite entries, and it fills me with hope: 

"So much of parenting is trying to strike a balance between so many paradoxes; love & discipline, gentleness & tough love, joy & frustration, honoring agency & trying to control every outcome. It is not easy. Anyone who says it is either has not done it, or has not done it well. You will screw this up every day and in every way, yet you were still given the responsibility. Remember they are not YOUR children, they came from above and they will return there. You are simply a steward. A flawed, imperfect, and perfect steward."

• My heart is so full of gratitude that Heavenly Father has entrusted me with this sacred stewardship. What a beautiful, beautiful blessing it is to be a mom!!! Still got a lot of growing into it to do--but man, am I feeling extra grateful this thanksgiving season.

My Teaching Journal: Some Highs & Lows

As I sit in my empty office and try to make use of these final few hours of the school year--I've been doing some reflecting on the last 4 years at Timpview. What a whirlwind it's been! I came down here a wide-eyed, wandering, single 24 year old---and yesterday, after I bounded up the seminary stairs to sit down in my office, I felt my future son kick inside my stomach for the first time. I'm a puddle of gratitude and wonder at what the Lord's done with my life. 

The end of the school-year is always really, really hard. The kids are done, and the teachers are done and we try to just claw our way through the month of May for the most part. This year was no different. It was fun for me to read back through my teaching journal and consider my journey. 

Throughout the course of my career I have felt:

• Underqualified
• Exhausted
• Elated
• Devastated
• Grateful
• Exhausted again
• Encouraged
• Awestruck
• Desperate
• Overwhelmed
• Discouraged
• Embarrassed
• A constant yearning, reaching....begging! for heaven's help
• A chance to reflect deeply and often about my relationship with my Savior
• A pure love for my fellow disciples and pride & joy in their goodness and faith
• Days that made me doubt any progress I had ever made
• Moments of hopelessness and defeat that were especially crippling because I felt I had really given it my all

Here's an excerpt from my actual journal:

5/22/2017

    Teaching feels like my calling in life—deep in my bones, it is such an integral part of who I am. I am passionate about teaching and learning and I feel closest to heaven in a learning environment. I love the opportunity to ponder the gospel of Jesus Christ deeply and often. This chance to study the scriptures with such intent has been a life-changing blessing that I will take with me wherever I go.  I love being able to testify about things I believe so regularly. I cherish the thank you notes from my students and when they let me know I’ve helped them on their journey and with their testimonies. It brings me a sense of pride to know that I’ve made it in a fairly competitive field...

    But as I look back through a lot of my posts, I have really, really struggled in a lot of ways. I truly believe I am a natural teacher, but the past couple of years feel like they chewed me up and spit me out. I was always so discouraged and unsure of myself. I was constantly seeking validation and not able to find it. I was POURING myself into these lessons and always feeling like I was coming up short. I was discouraged and depressed. I felt like I constantly had to take my work home and continue working on lessons. I wasn’t enjoying the kids as much or my faculty. I felt like I was studying the scriptures for OTHERS but never had time to ponder and reflect and grow myself. I felt like over time “in the system” I lost my own personality and flair and was just cranking out lessons the way I was told in the manual.

    I know this is a great and important work (the Lord’s work even!) but I feel completely replaceable. I have always known this would be temporary and that I would eventually stay home and be a mom. I’ve always thought to myself, what better preparation for motherhood? But maybe I’ve learned what I needed to learn from seminary and should go explore a new frontier? Maybe there are other things I could learn in the world of business and I can take the good with me..

5/23/2018 (One year later)

 I feel like I need to quit at the end of every schoolyear. I feel chewed up, spit out, unappreciated and trampled on. I feel absolutely hopeless and discouraged. I really do feel like my heart is in the right place, and I am pretty diligent in my preparation, but I can NOT recognize the promised blessings in my teaching. I look out at all my classes---at the students totally immersed in their phones or their homework, or just blatantly sleeping through every class period and I wonder why I even try?  How can I stand up and promise them all these blessings when I can’t see them in my own life?  Why can’t I? What am I doing wrong? I don’t know how some of these men I work with do this for 20-30 years. It is brutal and I don’t know if I have the nerves or the stomach for it.

    I just feel like this is taking too much out of me and the upside is SO hard to discern…Maybe this is just the work of a disciple? Maybe I just need to dig deep in my heart and be willing to prune in the vineyard WHEREVER the Lord needs me, however unappreciated and defeated I might feel---maybe this is just what He needs from me? If that’s the case I am no quitter. For Him, I am willing to do whatever is required. As long as I KNOW that’s where he wants me to be. How can I be sure of that? 

I always thought this job would prepare me for motherhood---but its doing it in a different way than I expected. I thought I was just filling my pockets with scripture knowledge to skillfully bestow upon my children in future ensign-worthy FHE lessons….(insert eyeroll here) but 4 years later I feel like my biggest takeaways are:

·  Learning to really rely on the Lord’s grace and really trust Him, through some hard, hard days.

·  Learning that He sanctifies our most difficult days, and good things are happening even when we don't recognize it. 

·  If I just try to be obedient whatever the cost, even (and especially) when its not easy, then I can bank on the Lord's promises.

    I'm grateful for those lessons, despite the swamp my heart had to wade through to get there. Grateful for this seminary journey and the way it's prepared me to be this little guy's mom. I know I needed this deeper understanding of God's grace before I could tackle this most important calling in life.

Fingers crossed as we head towards motherhood.

About 11 more weeks to go...