"How are you adjusting to motherhood?"
It comes in various forms, "Are you surviving? Hanging in there? You sleeping at all? etc" but they're all getting at the same thing, and I've found it's actually pretty tricky to try and put the last month and a half into words. I guess proper etiquette is just to laugh and nod knowingly--but for anyone who cares to really know, what I really think and feel about becoming a mom...here it is:
- First off, I am equal parts amazed and weirded out by what my body can do. From the whole pregnancy, to the labor & delivery, to breastfeeding...I've lived 28 years in this body and all that time had no idea what it was capable of! It's nuts. And sometimes gross. And sometimes just awe inspiring. It's a testament to me of an all-knowing, all-powerful Creator. A little perfect human grew inside me and now lives and breathes and owns my heart. My body instinctively produces what he needs. After the 9 months of stretching and changing to accommodate this little dude and then the trauma of delivery--my body felt so foreign to me. But it knows how to repair itself! It's been incredible to witness. (And a little exhausting.)
- The sleep deprivation is no joke. Its really been taking my emotions for a ride. Or possibly its the fluctuating hormones? Either way, I cry almost everyday now--but also have moments of pure joy and elation unlike anything I've ever experienced. Like an awesome, terrible rollercoaster.
- Getting to know this sweet little spirit is so FUN. There's a new development or discovery every day. I was freaking out to Creed the first time he really locked eyes with me, I was seriously on cloud nine. And then he smiled! Then a real smile!! Then he GIGGLED!!! Every little new noise he makes is literally the cutest thing I've ever heard. Even burping and farting is weirdly cute sometimes--its a spell babies put you under I guess. The point is every day there's something, he's growing and changing so fast I feel like I can't look away or even blink cause I don't wanna miss anything! I've heard parents say that before--totalllyyy get it now.
- Creed as a dad is ALL THE HEART EYES. It's a whole new level of love that's sweeter than I can describe. So, I guess I won't. There are moments that are hard learning to parent together--and I know we are just at the beginning end of those--but there is no one in the world I'd rather be doing this with. Creed is everything good and sweet, and Lance is so lucky.
- The change of pace has been a little jarring for me. Life has slowed wayyyy down and I'm super less "productive" but, I'm trying to be okay with that and just appreciate this season for what it is. Also, I watched 5 seasons of The Office in 2 months. So, yikes. I'm not sure what's gonna happen when my maternity leave is up. I miss seminary, but don't know how I could ever leave this little butterball now....?
- With all this extra time to think and a million new things to worry about I sometimes get a little anxious. I've been reading through a book of our friends' parenting advice that Creed made me for my first mother's day--As I think about raising this guy and trying to get it right, it's a little daunting! This is from one of my favorite entries, and it fills me with hope:
"So much of parenting is trying to strike a balance between so many
paradoxes; love & discipline, gentleness & tough love, joy &
frustration, honoring agency & trying to control every outcome. It is not
easy. Anyone who says it is either has not done it, or has not done it well.
You will screw this up every day and in every way, yet you were still given the
responsibility. Remember they are not YOUR children, they came from above and
they will return there. You are simply a steward. A flawed, imperfect, and
perfect steward."
- My heart is so full of gratitude that Heavenly Father has entrusted me with this sacred stewardship. What a beautiful, beautiful blessing it is to be a mom!!! Still got a lot of growing into it to do--but man, am I feeling extra grateful this thanksgiving season.
