Adjusting to Motherhood

Lance arrived and made us a family a little over 7 weeks ago! He is the absolute best. Maybe someday I will write up a post about his birthday--truly one of the best days I've ever lived. But for now, I wanna try and tackle the question that's been asked me more than any other this past month and half: 

"How are you adjusting to motherhood?"  


It comes in various forms,  "Are you surviving? Hanging in there? You sleeping at all? etc" but they're all getting at the same thing, and I've found it's actually pretty tricky to try and put the last month and a half into words. I guess proper etiquette is just to laugh and nod knowingly--but for anyone who cares to really know, what I really think and feel about becoming a mom...here it is:

• First off, I am equal parts amazed and weirded out by what my body can do. From the whole pregnancy, to the labor & delivery, to breastfeeding...I've lived 28 years in this body and all that time had no idea what it was capable of! It's nuts. And sometimes gross. And sometimes just  awe inspiring. It's a testament to me of an all-knowing, all-powerful Creator. A little perfect human grew inside me and now lives and breathes and owns my heart. My body instinctively produces what he needs. After the 9 months of stretching and changing to accommodate this little dude and then the trauma of delivery--my body felt so foreign to me. But it knows how to repair itself! It's been incredible to witness. (And a little exhausting.)

• The sleep deprivation is no joke. Its really been taking my emotions for a ride. Or possibly its the fluctuating hormones? Either way, I cry almost everyday now--but also have moments of pure joy and elation unlike anything I've ever experienced. Like an awesome, terrible rollercoaster. 

• Getting to know this sweet little spirit is so FUN. There's a new development or discovery every day. I was freaking out to Creed the first time he really locked eyes with me, I was seriously on cloud nine. And then he smiled! Then a real smile!! Then he GIGGLED!!! Every little new noise he makes is literally the cutest thing I've ever heard. Even burping and farting is weirdly cute sometimes--its a spell babies put you under I guess. The point is every day there's something, he's growing and changing so fast I feel like I can't look away or even blink cause I don't wanna miss anything! I've heard parents say that before--totalllyyy get it now.

• Creed as a dad is ALL THE HEART EYES. It's a whole new level of love that's sweeter than I can describe. So, I guess I won't. There are moments that are hard learning to parent together--and I know we are just at the beginning end of those--but there is no one in the world I'd rather be doing this with. Creed is everything good and sweet, and Lance is so lucky.

• The change of pace has been a little jarring for me. Life has slowed wayyyy down and I'm super less "productive" but, I'm trying to be okay with that and just appreciate this season for what it is. Also, I watched 5 seasons of The Office in 2 months. So, yikes. I'm not sure what's gonna happen when my maternity leave is up. I miss seminary, but don't know how I could ever leave this little butterball now....? 

• With all this extra time to think and a million new things to worry about I sometimes get a little anxious. I've been reading through a book of our friends' parenting advice that Creed made me for my first mother's day--As I think about raising this guy and trying to get it right, it's a little daunting! This is from one of my favorite entries, and it fills me with hope: 

"So much of parenting is trying to strike a balance between so many paradoxes; love & discipline, gentleness & tough love, joy & frustration, honoring agency & trying to control every outcome. It is not easy. Anyone who says it is either has not done it, or has not done it well. You will screw this up every day and in every way, yet you were still given the responsibility. Remember they are not YOUR children, they came from above and they will return there. You are simply a steward. A flawed, imperfect, and perfect steward."

• My heart is so full of gratitude that Heavenly Father has entrusted me with this sacred stewardship. What a beautiful, beautiful blessing it is to be a mom!!! Still got a lot of growing into it to do--but man, am I feeling extra grateful this thanksgiving season.

My Teaching Journal: Some Highs & Lows

As I sit in my empty office and try to make use of these final few hours of the school year--I've been doing some reflecting on the last 4 years at Timpview. What a whirlwind it's been! I came down here a wide-eyed, wandering, single 24 year old---and yesterday, after I bounded up the seminary stairs to sit down in my office, I felt my future son kick inside my stomach for the first time. I'm a puddle of gratitude and wonder at what the Lord's done with my life. 

The end of the school-year is always really, really hard. The kids are done, and the teachers are done and we try to just claw our way through the month of May for the most part. This year was no different. It was fun for me to read back through my teaching journal and consider my journey. 

Throughout the course of my career I have felt:

• Underqualified
• Exhausted
• Elated
• Devastated
• Grateful
• Exhausted again
• Encouraged
• Awestruck
• Desperate
• Overwhelmed
• Discouraged
• Embarrassed
• A constant yearning, reaching....begging! for heaven's help
• A chance to reflect deeply and often about my relationship with my Savior
• A pure love for my fellow disciples and pride & joy in their goodness and faith
• Days that made me doubt any progress I had ever made
• Moments of hopelessness and defeat that were especially crippling because I felt I had really given it my all

Here's an excerpt from my actual journal:

5/22/2017

    Teaching feels like my calling in life—deep in my bones, it is such an integral part of who I am. I am passionate about teaching and learning and I feel closest to heaven in a learning environment. I love the opportunity to ponder the gospel of Jesus Christ deeply and often. This chance to study the scriptures with such intent has been a life-changing blessing that I will take with me wherever I go.  I love being able to testify about things I believe so regularly. I cherish the thank you notes from my students and when they let me know I’ve helped them on their journey and with their testimonies. It brings me a sense of pride to know that I’ve made it in a fairly competitive field...

    But as I look back through a lot of my posts, I have really, really struggled in a lot of ways. I truly believe I am a natural teacher, but the past couple of years feel like they chewed me up and spit me out. I was always so discouraged and unsure of myself. I was constantly seeking validation and not able to find it. I was POURING myself into these lessons and always feeling like I was coming up short. I was discouraged and depressed. I felt like I constantly had to take my work home and continue working on lessons. I wasn’t enjoying the kids as much or my faculty. I felt like I was studying the scriptures for OTHERS but never had time to ponder and reflect and grow myself. I felt like over time “in the system” I lost my own personality and flair and was just cranking out lessons the way I was told in the manual.

    I know this is a great and important work (the Lord’s work even!) but I feel completely replaceable. I have always known this would be temporary and that I would eventually stay home and be a mom. I’ve always thought to myself, what better preparation for motherhood? But maybe I’ve learned what I needed to learn from seminary and should go explore a new frontier? Maybe there are other things I could learn in the world of business and I can take the good with me..

5/23/2018 (One year later)

 I feel like I need to quit at the end of every schoolyear. I feel chewed up, spit out, unappreciated and trampled on. I feel absolutely hopeless and discouraged. I really do feel like my heart is in the right place, and I am pretty diligent in my preparation, but I can NOT recognize the promised blessings in my teaching. I look out at all my classes---at the students totally immersed in their phones or their homework, or just blatantly sleeping through every class period and I wonder why I even try?  How can I stand up and promise them all these blessings when I can’t see them in my own life?  Why can’t I? What am I doing wrong? I don’t know how some of these men I work with do this for 20-30 years. It is brutal and I don’t know if I have the nerves or the stomach for it.

    I just feel like this is taking too much out of me and the upside is SO hard to discern…Maybe this is just the work of a disciple? Maybe I just need to dig deep in my heart and be willing to prune in the vineyard WHEREVER the Lord needs me, however unappreciated and defeated I might feel---maybe this is just what He needs from me? If that’s the case I am no quitter. For Him, I am willing to do whatever is required. As long as I KNOW that’s where he wants me to be. How can I be sure of that? 

I always thought this job would prepare me for motherhood---but its doing it in a different way than I expected. I thought I was just filling my pockets with scripture knowledge to skillfully bestow upon my children in future ensign-worthy FHE lessons….(insert eyeroll here) but 4 years later I feel like my biggest takeaways are:

·  Learning to really rely on the Lord’s grace and really trust Him, through some hard, hard days.

·  Learning that He sanctifies our most difficult days, and good things are happening even when we don't recognize it. 

·  If I just try to be obedient whatever the cost, even (and especially) when its not easy, then I can bank on the Lord's promises.

    I'm grateful for those lessons, despite the swamp my heart had to wade through to get there. Grateful for this seminary journey and the way it's prepared me to be this little guy's mom. I know I needed this deeper understanding of God's grace before I could tackle this most important calling in life.

Fingers crossed as we head towards motherhood.

About 11 more weeks to go...

Finally.

I'm so grateful for this little record to remember exactly what it felt like to be at various stages of my life. The last post was really kind of at a low and as I read over it again I can remember exactly what it felt like to be so discouraged--March 2nd. But, the end of that same month--March 28th--I went on my last, first date, and met the man I'd soon marry. Funny how life goes..

Falling in love with him was so easy and it happened so quickly. I fell in love with his smile on the doorstep.We skipped our date to just keep talking in the parking lot for hours, and I knew he could be my best friend. I fell in love with his family and their history. Over a few months our lives just sort of melted together and I started to sense how truly special a person he was. I fell in love with him dancing at his brothers wedding and taking naps after church. Hard to pinpoint exactly when...But when I found out he loved me, too, it felt like fireworks.  

 I knew from a decade of watching friends date and marry that falling in love is one thing, but it's still a scary thing deciding to 'take the plunge' and I braced myself for a rough road ahead 'deciding'...(never really been my strong point in life..)

Surprisingly, it turned out to be one of the easiest things I've done.  I sat in a quiet, holy place one day and searched my heart, and spoke to God. I came to understand, in a way that is pretty indescribable, that my mind lagged behind what I already knew in my heart. So I hesitantly decided to let that lead... What a blur since then.

Creed and I were engaged on September 5th in San Francisco, and married on December 12th in the Mount Timpanogos Temple.

I love him desperately and being married to my best friend is the sweetest thing I've experienced so far in life. Never even knew my heart was capable of feeling so much and so deeply. Elder Holland said that "To give ourselves so totally to another person is the most trusting and perhaps the most fateful step we take in life" I was so worried about mistepping at such a critical crossroads--But God has been so good to me and  I'm humbled at just how much He was actually guiding me though I had no idea at the time. Just, hallelujah. The decade of dating is finally at a close. Hallelujah!!

On to the next big adventure...

Singledom

Update: The boy I was so excited about dating in Provo broke up with me a few weeks ago. Then this past week both my ex's from college got engaged. BOTH of them in the same week....Seriously what are the chances!? I just need to take a second here and get real transparent with my feelings..

Since the missionary, these were two of the most meaningful relationships I've had. My relationships lately haven't been even close to the same level. I grew to love each of these guys so much. And honestly, my initial reaction to hearing their news was joy :)   Truly, I'm happy for these people I love--I want the world for them. But if I'm honest, a close second to that surprise, excitement, and joy was a pit in my stomach that was a mix of jealousy, loss, and discouragement.

I don't want to be that melodramatic girl complaining about how her facebook/instagram feed is full of engagements---but this is the first time in my life I've really started to worry that the world keeps spinning and moving on without me. I mean, they both figured it out...?  Suddenly the only common denominator in all my past relationship failures, is me...

The list of truly meaningful relationships in my life is starting to dwindle and I just feel discouraged about this stage of life. What's the point of loving people and building relationships if they all just eventually come to naught? Am I even capable of loving someone the way I need to, to have a happy marriage and build a family!? Have I been approaching this whole dating thing just completely wrong for the past 8 years?! All of the sudden I just feel like I have no idea what I'm doing and am seriously doubting myself...cheers to being a young single adult. Heaven help me.

...Becoming "Sister Brian"

Friday, December 19, 2014

8th period had just finished, I was picking up the name tags to put them back in the back cupboard, when I noticed a missed call and a text message from my  boss on my phone. Bro. H was both awesome and terrifying--I looked up to him SO much but whenever he came to observe me or we had one-on-one conversations I felt nervous and awkward, so so awkward. I guess that's just part of a program when you're being combed over and critiqued for potential employment.

I was especially nervous about this phone call because I was waiting to hear whether or not I was being cut from the program at the semester. I gave myself a little peptalk and braced myself for the worst before I hit the call back button.

After some brief pleasantries, Bro. H got straight to the point and asked me what my feelings were about teaching another semester...then he surprised me by asking me about how willing I was to relocate if that was needed. I was teaching 5 psychology classes at Roy and that would be impossible for me, so I was really confused. But I stammered out something and he upbruptly ended our conversation and said he'd call back in a few minutes. I thought for sure I blew it and was about to get cut...

About 30 minutes later, after one of the most unexpected conversations of my life. I dropped my phone and danced down the stairs to tell my parents the news, that I had just been offered a FULL-TIME seminary position that started at the semester change(!!!) I called my best friend and then my boyfriend...and everyone seemed just as blindsided as me. I had 24 hours to make a decision so that meant quitting my current job that afternoon. I sat in my drive way and called my assistant principal at Roy--and I was shaking like a leaf through that entire conversation but he was so kind about it.

 I had a Christmas party that night with a bunch of friends--everyone weighed in on the decision...There was lots going on and not a whole lot of time to process, but I called the next morning and accepted the offer to teach seminary.

What a trip.

Roy High in all her glory..

Leaving Roy was gut-wrenching...I had really grown to love it there and the administrators and faculty and students had been so, so good to me. But, I kinda felt like, the Lord was intervening in my life and opening up a path.There was NO reason I shoulda been hired--this preservice program is seriously seriously  competitive---but somehow I was. So God HAD to be in it. So even with the lack of plans and long list of unknowns and  just the CRAZINESS of it all, if that was really the case, if He was in it....then I couldn't wait to see where it would lead. So I packed up all my crap and I moved down to Provo and became "Sister" Brian.

Timpview Seminary

*insert wide eyed face* 

My First Temple Experience

I hesitate to post this--But I wanted to share with others who have maybe had a similar experience or are preparing to go for the first time. The temple is the house of God and covenants are our way back to Him--people usually have pretty strong reactions their first time through, and this is how it went for me..

Before I went to the temple I was writing in my journal about how I had anticipated this day for years. This day would be a culmination of all the choices I have made in my life up until this point and I was so excited for this experience.

After the ceremony as I sat in the celestial room with my parents--my dad helped me realize I have been waiting much, MUCH longer than 24 years for this day to come. This day was eternally significant for me. It's very possible that I have looked forward to this day for maybe eons of time.

...

The initiatory was such an incredible experience. I felt love and peace, and cleanliness. I felt like my Heavenly Father was very aware of me and very pleased with my decision to be there. It actually felt  a lot like my baptism day. What beautiful blessings and promises. 

...

As I sat in the ordinance room and the session started I was GIDDY to finally be there and finally be witnessing the things I had only heard/speculated/dreamed about up until this point in my life. I was eager to pick up on all these new profound/earth-shattering insights and my mind was racing the entire time.  So much so, that I kind of missed the bigger picture because I was so focused in on the details... 

When we got to the end of the session I had trouble trying to put everything that had just happened in context with everything else I know about the Gospel of Jesus Christ. For example, on my baptismal day--I knew exactly what I was doing and why I was doing it. I needed to be baptized to enter the gate back to eternal life with my Father in Heaven. I needed to be baptized so I could be cleansed from my sins and become a member of the Lord's church. With my baptismal covenant I had a clear idea of the cause-and-effect relationship of what I was doing and how it fit into my framework of the gospel, and I understood. 

After my endowment I did not feel that way. I felt disoriented and confused and a little unsettled by some of the symbolism that was so foreign to me. I got distracted. I knew ahead of time what I would be covenanting that day and I was excited to do so. I was excited to whole-heartedly commit my life to the Lord and the gospel I love. I was not scared of the covenants I was making. But at the end of the session I was scared about the feelings I had had (or lack of feelings I was expecting to have) I was trying to piece it all together but I felt totally lost--it was so much to take in and I felt like I wasn't getting it or that maybe I'd missed it all together.
...

 Boyd K Packer has said, "As members of the church, can you be happy, can you be redeemed, can you be exalted without them? (speaking of temple ordinances) Answer: They are more than advisable or desirable, or even than necessary. More even than essential or vital. They are crucial for each of us" 

With baptism, I understood exactly how and why it was crucial--But at the end of my first session in the temple I wasn't connecting the dots at all. How had what I'd just done affected my eternal progression and why? Where was the Savior in all I had just done? In everything I had read and studied leading up to this day in the temple I knew that what I had just done was MONUMENTAL in my life...but sitting in the Celestial Room after I didn't really understand why. I felt disappointed that I didn't understand--disappointed that I didn't feel and experience what I thought I would feel and experience. Had I not prepared well enough?  It was a whirlwind of information and ceremony and symbolism and I was just desperately trying to get my bearings. Honestly, with so much build up leading up to it, I felt kind of heartbroken at the disappointment. 

The next morning I read a list of scriptures Sean had put together, and I reread Elder Packer's pamphlet on the temple, and as I talked to people about my experience throughout the following few days I started to settle down a little and feel a little more at ease when I realized many others had been in my shoes and had felt what I felt.  Elder Packer said:

 "The temple ceremony will not be fully understood at first experience. It will only be partly understood. Return again and again. Return to learn. Things that have troubled you or things that have been puzzling or things that have been mysterious will become known to you. Many of them will be the quiet, personal things that you really cannot explain to anyone else. But to you they are things known. What we gain from the temple will depend to a large degree on what we take to the temple in the way of humility and reverence and a desire to learn. If we are teachable we will be taught by the Spirit, in the temple."

That statement from President Packer helped put my heart at ease. I am excited to return to learn. I am excited for a lifetime of learning. I think it's true that for some people, their first time in the temple is an earth-shattering, mind blowing, life-altering experience. But as I look back on my life and try to identify patterns of gospel learning--that's never how it's been for me. I learn line upon line, precept upon precept...so it is with the temple. As I'm patient/faithful and return again and again, those earth-shattering, life-altering moments will come, right? The best moments in my life have been moments in the Spirit, and I'm excited for more to come inside the Lord's House.

Anyone who wants to learn more about temple should check out here, here, or here! :)

My (very brief) Stint with The Color Run......and "DJ Precious P"

This summer I was at soccer conditioning every morning for Roy High, and I spent my afternoons planning and trying to get ready for seminary--But I was kind of itching to get out of Kaysville and also kind of itching to get back in touch with this certain boy... 

So one day at school, I decided to text him, and I asked if maybe he could help me get a job for the company he worked for. Just for the summer, so I could go on races on the weekends.. (semi-stalkerish?) I wasn't really expecting anything but I just thought it would be so good for us to be around each other NOT dating, but just working together and being friends. He didn't seem that weirded out--totally got me the job, and that's when I started my brief stint with The Color Run.

It was fun and fast-paced and I got sent to a different Canadian city every couple days...but my plans of hanging out with boy kinda back-fired. We never got put on a race together because he was off doing an internship, and in a random turn of events, I met and started spending time with a friend of his...''DJ Precious P''

''DJ Precious P'' seemed like kind of a tool at first (everything you would expect from a guy who refers to himself as DJ Precious P) Initially I wasn't all that interested--but he was sweet and I felt like he kinda looked out for the awkward new girl who didn't know anyone yet. I had fun hanging out with him in Canada, and I was actually really excited when he asked me out after we got home. We were soooo not each other's type and I knew it...but he was crazy attractive and I was kind of curious. 

So we went out. 

And then we went out a few more times, and then I found myself  having the funnest time getting to know him and his family. I was surprised by how much he grew on me as the summer went on...He took me to his Cabin over labor day and I kinda fell in love with his whole family. I am such a sucker for people's families.. gets me every time. His mom and sisters were just SO sweet though. And his Dad kept calling me 'sis!' WHAT WAS I EVEN SUPPOSED TO DO!? I was smitten. 

 ..I started to think maybe I could make this work after all?!

...then just like that he moved to Provo, annnd dropped off the face of the earth as far as I know. Ha. All communication ceased the day he got down there...left me feeling kind of used and stupid. 

He's probably dating a girl with a fake tan and bleach blonde hair extensions right now. 

Oops. Lesson learned, I guess. 

Have a nice life DJ Precious P--I'll keep my eye out for you on tour with Kaskade and Steve Aoki..